Joe’s Shopping Day

Our grocery store now has self-checkout, for your convenience. It’s like getting punched in the throat, for your comfort. ∼ Dana Gould

We cut our teeth at the A & P

Quite a few senior citizens are early risers. And once up, we like to get stuff done. Take grocery shopping for instance. I like to go to the supermarket about once a week. I go on a weekday morning, so as to be unencumbered by the rank and file.  😮‍💨

“Alright! Got the best parking spot today.”  👍

Once there, I snag a cart that some ne’er do well didn’t put back in the cart storage rack. Now I’ve got something to lean on going into the store.

“Hey, is that this week’s coupon flyer on the bottom of my cart?”

Us curmudgeons like to get in and out early.

Others in my age group arrive around the same time. Most folks don’t dress up too fancy for this venue; sweatpants or jeans, velcro sneakers, sports team sweatshirt or tee shirt, depending on the season…. And an appropriate baseball cap. Most don’t bother to shave for the outing.

(And that’s the women)

Once we get down to business, we check out the banana island first.

“Damn, all green ones again. I don’t think they like veterans at this store”.

Once we’re out of the produce section, we hit the bread rack.

“Hmmm, day old is 30% off today. I could get two and put one in the freezer if I throw out those crappy fish sticks.”

Once the bread situation has been addressed, the canned vegetable aisle is next. Us old folks believe in having a large amount of canned goods on hand, should there be a nuclear war, famine, or a drop in by several dozen people who don’t care what they eat.  😉

The soup section is a formidable challenge.

“Do I have enough cream of mushroom soup? I’ll get a few more cans, cause I might use them up in the next fifty years or so.”

As we go down the aisles, we pass by our peers who are also concentrating on their pre-made lists. We nod or force a smile as each one passes.

We shrewdly sneak a peek into their carts.

“Damn, he went through that last bottle of liquor already?”

And another…

“That sonofaB… don’t have a cat!”

And the next one…

“I’m surprised she can afford shrimp, with all those lottery tickets she buys.”

Now venturing into the meat department we inspect the hamburger like a nuclear military commander going over the launch codes.

Once we get through the meat department the frozen foods are next. Now we’ve got some room to navigate.

“That pizza on sale looks like it came from a cow pasture…. I’ll only snag three, if they’re no good I’ll offload em on an unsuspecting friend.”

Eggs require intense inspection and analysis

  🐔🐥

Now we find ourselves in the far corner of the large supermarket…. And at one of the most important sections…… eggs!

I take my time to make sure I pick the correct egg size, out of the dozen or so sizes available.

Once I determine the right size, I carefully open the carton, just like mom used to do when the egg lady came by many years ago. I pretend mom is watching as I examine each egg for hairline cracks, etc. If I do find a bad egg, I yell and hold it out for any onlookers to see.

“I’m one shrewd SOB!”   (Feeling proud, now)    ☺️

Once I’m done with my egg victory lap, I can make my way to the check out counter.

“Only one register open again? Damn commies are trying to force us all to use the self-checkout registers.”

And self check-outs are a nightmare for us geezers.

If forced to use them, it’s total bedlam.

“What do I do first?”

“Why don’t it register my lettuce?”

“It won’t take my store card…. “

“Hey kid, get off your a.. and figure this thing out, I’ll bag em.”

“Oh chit, the eggs fell. Kid, get me another dozen eggs, and be sure to check each one!”

Now out the door and into the parking lot, I once again admire my close spot, then I load the groceries into the van.

“I’ll be kind and leave my cart right here for the next guy”.  😇

Before leaving, I check the fitness app on my phone for mileage, and complain that I got cheated again.

“Must get a dead signal by the coolers, I’m adding a quarter mile manually”.

My thoughts again wander during the short drive home.

We have a busy day ahead of us

“Done till next week, should get back in time for Andy and Barney… and a small snack”  😊

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