Some lighthearted quips, harvested from Joe’s many trips around the sun; more will be added from time to time 🙂
* Recently two young travelers from Europe were given stiff fines for illegal wildlife trafficking while in South Africa. It seems they were found with a colony of ants. A can of Raid would have destroyed the evidence!
* Whenever I accidentally drop a pill, I blow on it vigorously for several seconds, because that’s an FDA approved sanitizing procedure. 😉
* Another “Hints from Heloise” tip suggests using your ice cream scooper to scoop hamburger. I tried it; think I’ll stick to ice cream. 😛
* I usually cut my own hair, and take some pride in it. However I’ve been thinking of going to a barber, and trying to look presentable for a change. 😛
* We appear to be on the cusp of driverless vehicles. Maybe now my passengers will stop screaming. 😛
* Just picked up my Wisconsin annual fishing license, good until March 2026. I’m happy to do so because the Wisconsin DNR is kind of prickly, and if I’m not around for the full term, they will file a complaint. 😉
* There’s another lunar eclipse coming soon, where the moon appears to turn red. I will probably sleep through it again, just like the last few hundred times when I could hardly contain my excitement. 😛
* Anytime one of my internet passwords works, I feel like I’ve won the lottery. 😀
* A recent news article asks “Is Dementia in Your Future?” Apparently, in my case, there’s no time like the present. 😐
* Being hearing impaired, you occasionally have to “fake hear”. I once faked my way through a three hour conversation, by just nodding my head and saying “uh huh” every so often.
Sometimes it backfires. 😉
* Another “Hints from Heloise” article reveals that the cashew is not really a legume.
That’s a load off! 😛
* A recent “Hints from Heloise” article suggest putting rubber bands around kitchen sundries that have duplicates in storage. This would alert you to avoid purchasing an additional item which you already have.
I’m trying this out on my beer. I’ll have to get a few more cases of rubber bands. 😉
* I’ve been getting rather “fastidious” in recent years. “Fastidious”…now ain’t that exciting. 😛
*Every now and then I hear someone say “I almost went to Vietnam!”.
When any Vietnam War veteran hears this, they cringe.
I know of no military medals or citations, for “Almost going to Vietnam”. 😉
* I saw an advertisement from an upscale veterinary service offering “cold stone massages” for dogs.
When I had a paper route, I occasionally had to offer same. 😉
* When it comes to life’s challenges they say there isn’t anything you can’t do.
I say….. “Try me!” 😛
* I don’t need any hair care products for Christmas; to include head shaving tools, tonic, etc. 😛
* Everything echos when you wish to be silent. 😉
* In 1961 a chimpanzee named Enos orbited the earth twice In a Mercury spacecraft. Who says I don’t have the right stuff?! 😛
* In an attempt to attract new recruits to fight his war in Ukraine, Vladimir Putin has offered “debt forgiveness” to prospective Russian citizens.
If the U.S. military considers offering a similar policy, I might re-up! 😛
^ My hearing aid low battery warning is the sound of a “car horn”. Before I figured that out, I’d be looking around for a car, no matter where I was. Couldn’t understand how a vehicle could make it’s way into the basement. 😛
* Been catching up on reruns from all my old favorites. Pretty much worked through Seinfeld, Everybody Loves Raymond and The Sopranos. Believe I’m about half way through Three and A Half Men and Gunsmoke. Thinking Bonanza and The Honeymooners should get me close to the promised land. 😉
* I’m happy to say that I am busy and life is full. Today I trapped a fly between two doors; after a battle of wits, I got him out. 😛
* Film and theater often use the phrase, “Get your affairs in order”.
Would someone please provide me with an affair so I can get it in order? 😉
*Like many seniors, I deal with occasional memory loss. I have some cognitive therapy procedures to help the problem, but I keep forgetting to use them. 😛
* I don’t weigh myself right after taking a shower. My hair retains dampness which adds weight. 😉
* I was told to avoid having sex or riding a bicycle for 24 hours prior to a routine medical blood test. Are they mutually exclusive? 😛
* I might be too attached to my cell phone. If it was lost and turned up on Mt Everest, pretty sure I’d be planting a flag up there. 😀
*Sometimes after I’ve turned off a ceiling fan, I’ll stick around and see how long it takes the blades to stop spinning.
Yeah, I’m livin the life! 😛
* If I had a nickel for every time I was wrong, I may not be rich..but I’d be mighty dang comfortable. 😉
* I’ve always admired the fine decor of bathroom showers containing marble, beautiful brass fixtures and such.
The first thing that catches my eye these days, are grab bars. 😀
*When we were kids my brother and I watched a TV show where a few people were swallowed by quicksand. We watched out for quicksand everywhere we went for months after.
And haven’t seen any yet. 😀
* If you’re concerned about embarrassing me with an exorbitant birthday gift, rest your fears….I will remain humble! 😀
* A Facebook Marketplace Ad from a private party is offering a funeral casket. The details describe it as “like new”.
So, what exactly happened here, did the person decide not to die? 😐 😀
*A recent news article talks about the habits of Super-Agers, those among us who live vibrant lives well into their eighties and nineties.
I’d be more interested in an article discussing Sub–Par-Agers.
😛
* You can give the bear your apple, but he’s still going to want your sandwich. 😉
* A recent survey inquired about the best time of day for a physical workout.
I’m thinking right after I have the “gorilla plate” at Denny’s. 😛
* I’ve finally ordered a DNA report. I’ve long suspected I have royal lineage.. just hope it’s within the human species. 😛
* During the height of the Covid pandemic, the VA Health care centers were guarded like the pentagon; door to door checkpoints manned by authoritarian clerics interrogating visitors, taking temperatures, denying access to any who were unsuccessful in navigating the bureaucratic maze.
A mouse couldn’t have sneaked through.
Fast forward two years, all checkpoints removed, interrogators gone, no guards in sight,
I believe the Red Chinese army could enter and pass through unmolested. 😉
* If it wasn’t for heavy traffic, I could really turn my minivan loose! 😛
*Sticks & stones will break your bones, but memes will never hurt you. 😉
*The cranial cavity of some people remains underutilized. 😉
* According to medical journals, lack of appetite and weight loss is a serious problem for seniors. Evidently, I’m a few years away. 😛
* Apparently, based upon the spam I receive on this website, I’m in dire need of female Russian companionship and gutter guards. 😉
*Marine biologists tell us that killer whales don’t eat humans because we’re too skinny and bony. Clearly these people have never been to Walmart. 😛
*Some people think I have this really glamorous life, living in the fast lane, etc. And boy do I ever! Tonight, for example, I’ve been researching the health benefits of frozen yogurt Vs ice cream. 😛
*I don’t mind sharing the bike trail with pedestrians when I’m out riding. Course when they pass me I get a little agitated. 😛
*Sometimes when I’m looking through my closets and drawers I realize I probably have enough clothing to last me for the rest of my life…and I get sad.
Course, I think most people who look at my clothing get a little sad. 😀
* Most over the counter pain relief products offer “Extra Strength” and “Fast Relief” options.
When I’m suffering, I always ask myself “Let’s see, do I want to feel better right away, or remain in agony for awhile?” 😛
*And speaking of Facebook, I haven’t been unfriended lately. Let’s see if I can do something about that. 😀
* If you want a trip through Hades, do a little business on Facebook marketplace. 😐
* It’s amazing how many stupid things I can take care of, when I’m trying to avoid doing something that’s important. 🙂
*I’m pretty sure that most people who attempt to open a bandaid, eventually bleed to death. 😉
*I hear many Veterans comment that their uniforms no longer fit them. I say with great pride that my hat and boots still fit! 🙂
*At this time the Powerball Lottery is at $935 million.
I would just like to remind everyone that I’ve always sent holiday and birthday wishes. 😛
* I get a lot of messages through my website. Many are enjoyable messages from visitors, however I also get a lot of Spam.
Most are annoying, but some are comical. A recent one advertises “the secret to maximizing your youth.”
I believe that ship has already sailed. 
*Watched an old episode of Superman. In one scene Clark Kent visits an office to get information. When the person assisting him leaves the room for a minute, Clark jumps behind the file cabinets, changes into his Superman duds, opens the window and flies away.
The assistant comes back into the room, finds Clark Kent’s clothes behind the file cabinet next to the open window, shrugs and goes back to work.
This is where I have a problem. I’m of the opinion that a call to the local mental health institution letting them know that one of their clients was on the loose, might have been in order. 😀
*I’ve been reading about some “near death” experiences recently. Some years ago one of my co-workers routinely had near death experiences at work. He always came to at quitting time. 😛
*We’re often told the senior years are the golden years, but I’ve never once heard a young person say “What I wouldn’t give to be eighty one!” 😉
*In 1907 Teddy Roosevelt signed an immigration act barring all “idiots, imbeciles, feeble minded persons and the insane”.
Just glad I’m already here! 🙂
*If you don’t yell at someone, how are they supposed to know that you’re mad at them? 😉
*What does the Lone Ranger do when he goes to the bank? Does the mask stay on? Does he just send Tonto in? Is there a formal policy for masked heroes and their faithful companions?
*I didn’t burn my bridges, I acetylene torched them, chopped up the remains, and bulldozed the roads coming and going. 😛
* When the Indigenous peoples crossed the bridge into Alaska many years ago, the head honcho must have had them draw straws.
The winning tribes got to go to California, Florida and parts in between where they enjoyed a mild climate, fertile soil and ample water supplies. Grizzly bears were a concern.
Those tribes who drew the 2nd longest straw went down to Mexico, Central and South America where it was hot, sticky and not quite as fertile. And watch out for those nasty tempered jaguars, by the way.
The tribes who drew the short straw were told to stay in present day Alaska and Canada, suck it up and build your homes out of ice cubes. Eat whales and seals, (be sure to save the pelts and skins, you’ll need them)….and if you notice a giant white creature sneaking up on you in the snow….it’s a polar bear…run your parka wearing a$$ off!
* People are always saying our country has gone to hell, and a variety of things are blamed.
In my opinion, it can be all traced back to the demise of the telephone booth. Superman, having no place to change clothes, flew off into the sunset, never to return! 😛
* I’m overdue for a lottery credit to compensate me for all my lottery ticket’s which didn’t pay off. I think it’s a scam. 😉
* A science team recently brought a forty thousand year old worm back to life. Word has it that the worm was found in one of Keith Richards shoes. 😛
* How come Tarzan has to carry his pet chimpanzee when he’s swinging through the trees, shouldn’t the chimpanzee be carrying him? 😛
*My career in the NBA was derailed because they didn’t have my sneaker size. 😉
*A chronic case of insomnia sets you on a clear path of becoming a writer. 😉
*How come my drill bits are always thirty miles away from my drill? 😛
*I sometimes wonder what our pets think of us. We can create light by touching a button. We can create water by turning a crank. We can open walls to come and go.
They should be seriously in awe of us! 🙂
*My long term memory is good, so I’m able to record many stories in my blog…course I don’t remember anything that happened yesterday. 😛
Based upon every living creature on earth, past or present, (especially humans) any aliens who decide to visit our planet, probably aren’t coming to enjoy the holidays with us. 😉
* Half my readers think I should be rich, half contend I should be committed.
Maybe I should be committed to being rich. 😛
*In preparation for the cochlear implant procedure, the surgeon gave me the “do’s and don’ts” for after the device was put in place. “Don’t touch any electric fences”, was one of the “don’ts”..
I assured the surgeon that I learned that lesson long ago. 🙂
*Getting my ears fixed soon, (cochlear implant) then my eyes fixed a short time later. (cataract surgery)
All new parts, good for another fifty thousand miles! 😉
*Had to fill out a questionnaire for a future medical procedure, one of the questions was: “Are you able to engage in sexual activity?”
I asked them what they had in mind. 🙂
*I had a good one five minutes ago, but I forgot it…just another perk of old age. 😛
*I’d like to have lived back in the time when top hats were fashionable. It would have added a little height to my stature. Course if everyone else wore one, I’d be back to ground zero, so to speak. 😀
*The winner of the Powerball lottery will probably joke around and pretend we aren’t related….like all the others. 😀
*Years ago you could tell which drivers were truly insane; they were the ones talking to themselves.
These days with cellphones and Bluetooth…all bets are off. 😛
*I like to order stuff from Amazon, I usually get a photo of a front door…sometimes it’s even mine! Thinking of putting an album together. 😛
*A company I worked for some years ago had a retirement program similar to the Russian retirement program for senior staffers. It required a bullet proof vest, a parachute, and a food tester. 😉
*If I owned ten boats, I’d still have to stop and check out every boat that’s for sale along side the road. 😉
*A recent news article reported that a 76 year old man had been charged with elder abuse, after having beaten an 84 year old man. Kind of made me feel young again. 😛
*I often purchase “Lean Pockets” for a healthy breakfast or snack food. My question is…how long do I have to pretend they taste good? 🙂
* When I catch a nice fish accidentally, I act like Barney Fife after he accidentally captures a bank robber. 😛
*When I find out something bad about a product I like, I keep going over the information to see if they changed their mind. 😛
*Based on my skill as a fisherman…I’d be a mighty skinny Indian. 🙂
*My dad was so frugal, he bought shoes that came with the holes already in them. 🙂
*I’m like the character “Wind in His Hair” from the film Dances With Wolves. I always feel anger first. And yeah, that’s worked out real well for me. 😀
*I’ve been making an effort to be kinder, and more empathetic in my senior years. Course, what I consider to be “more”, is probably just normal to most folks. 🙂
*Times change.
Not that long ago, everyone wanted to be the “cowboy”, not the Indian.
And Vietnam Veteran’s were persona non grata.
Today…seems like everyone who is anyone has “Native American” blood in them.
And half the people who’ve served in the armed forces in the past sixty years sport “Vietnam Veteran” caps. 😉
*I’ve always enjoyed walking, taking a stroll in the morning when everything is fresh. Even when I was a kid I’d walk through town, just to see what was going on and take in the sites. And, it’s good exercise; course I’d have to walk to Texas and back to burn off one of those giant sweet rolls I like. 😀
*Received another complimentary copy of AARP magazine. Reading through the advertisements, curious what someone who uses Depends, reading glasses, and velcro sneakers would do with a wood chipper. 😉
*Love seeing all the old “classic cars”, however back in the day when we actually drove them, they were kept running thanks to weekly injections of STP, and held together by periodic applications of Bondo. 😉
*I believe my extended car warranty covers Chinese spy balloons.
*Been sitting on a stash of classified documents, so I turned myself in to the FBI. (Garage needs a good cleaning) 😉
*Never thought I had the smarts to run the government, but apparently others with the same short-comings are giving it a try. 😛
*I’m not excessively bright, but I like to read stuff by those who are. 🙂
*They should have a driving lane just for us older folks. It could be called the Dowat Lane. (Do whatever you want, any time you want, cause we don’t know where the hell we want to go, or what we want to do when we get there)
*If any modern corporation purchased the Starship Enterprise, they would retain Spock and Data, identify the rest of the crew as redundant, and terminate them. 😉
*Based upon diminishing volume, I should be getting a discount on all my hair cuts. 😉
*I see where a rogue wave hit a cruise ship recently.
A rogue wave hit me once; she was in the Seabees and could really throw a punch!
*If I implemented every extended car warranty I’ve received, I’d be able to drive coast to coast, non-stop for the next five hundred years.
*You wouldn’t think anyone who’s lived through a war, several earthquakes, tornadoes, fires and multiple other mishaps would be intimidated by a stubborn pillowcase. 😛
*My six-pack has turned into a quarter barrel. 🙂
*Father Time is an unwelcome visitor and an unpleasant guest, but there’s no turning him back! 😉
*When I get mail I’m not sure how to respond to, I put it aside so I can take a better look at it “later”.
After a sufficient amount of time has passed.. I toss it. 😛
*Any new vice or irritating fad will find it’s way to teens; they use it to torment the older folks. That’s how they’re programmed. 😀
*Postings on social media reveal that the internet is not all that we’d hoped it would be. 🙁
*When we are young, we pretend we are old. When we are old, we pretend we are young! 😀
*When I’m tired of winter I spray myself down with insect repellent or rub myself down with sunburn lotion. (Follow this page for more useful hacks)
*The one sure thing extraterrestrials will provide, is someone else for humans to pick a fight with.
*If I was doing any better they would either pass a law against it or tax it.
(This one is from Joe’s old friend Dave Wagenblatt. Joe and Dave served in the Vietnam War together)
*If I was a bird I wouldn’t be hanging around in no tree…I’d be flying my a.. off! 🙂
* I was never smart enough to be a crook or a politician. Forgive me if I’ve repeated myself. 😉
*If I did five good deeds everyday for the next fifty years, I’d still be in the hole. 😀
*The internet has done wonders to improve the character of man. Eh hem. 🙁
*I think we do some objectionable stuff out of boredom. (Stir that pot!)
*At this point am I still learning…or am I unlearning?
*I love the opportunities regarding space exploration. For instance, I think some people should be launched into space…and left there. 😛
*I don’t care to be the target of anyone’s anger or criticism; if I do it, however, there must have been a good reason. 😉
*I never curse the referee’s when the call benefits my team. 😉
*If I didn’t do it this time, why can’t it wait till next time?
*There’s plenty of fish in the sea; they just don’t like my bait. 😀
*Every week new films, restaurants and various festivals pop up; how’d we spend all our time a hundred years ago?
*I love seeing all the old classic vehicles at car shows. When I remember the condition they were in when I owned them, however, my nostalgia quickly fades. 🙁
*Why do I always feel guilty when I use the “sneak a cup” feature on my coffee pot?
* A bald man purchasing shampoo is an example of long term memory over short term memory. 😛
*VA health care is like Forest Gump’s box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get.
*If Amerigo Vespucci had been named Roberto Vespucci, we would be called Bobbicans?